He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
