be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
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