If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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