John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
