Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
