This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
