Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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