The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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