Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
