I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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