I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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