I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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