when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
