i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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