so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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