I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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