you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
