No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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