I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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