I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Panties = found
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