so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We have so much sex to catch up on
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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