Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
