You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
