i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
