I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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