sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
