I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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