Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The air was thick with penises
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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