I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
