I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
