Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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