im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
