Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
