Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
