all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
