Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
