u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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