paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
