Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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