if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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