he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
