I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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