i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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