i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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