I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just blew my weed a kiss
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
