Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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