He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
