I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He did a backflip because drugs
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
