happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
