ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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