good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
