maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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